


Home is....

by OldGuardianNewTricks



Series: Life is... [1]
Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy and Quynh and Booker mentioned briefly, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nicky has a panic attack, Nicky has anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27191257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OldGuardianNewTricks/pseuds/OldGuardianNewTricks
Summary: “Joe, Joe I think there’s something wrong with Nicky. He’s a bit calmer but he won’t stop crying”She ends the call and kisses his head“Joe’s coming home right now-“Inspired by a prompt I saw and then lost on Tumblr about Nicky being upset that he can’t give Joe a home.TW- Nicky gets upset in this and has a panic attack but he’s got his family and is ok.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: Life is... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1990438
Comments: 22
Kudos: 237





	Home is....

Nicky thinks he’s always had this feeling deep within him. It has raised its ugly head so many times but he’s fought it back like the warrior he’s become. It’s Nile that’s triggered it this time and he’s fighting, he’s fighting so hard but he’s losing. It’s going to drag him under- it isn’t a question of if, but when. 

He doesn’t blame Nile. How could he? She’s passionate, fierce and loyal to a fault. He knew from the first evening that she would be good for the team. But when she burst through the door of the lab like an avenging angel he knew he was going to love her. 

And love her he does. He tries to spoil her but he isn’t sure if she notices. Andy of course is like the drill sergeant she’s used to. Nile knows how to respond to her they bond over training and routine. Joe- well Joe has the biggest heart and he wears it on his sleeve, he offers it up to the world and Nile soaks in his attention. They bond over art and literature and ridiculous jokes. 

Nicky knows he’s the quietest, the most reserved of the group. He tries to show her with food and treats how he feels. He learns her tastes and makes sure the fridge is stocked with the soda she prefers and the snacks she loves to munch on whilst watching the football with Joe. 

Nicky is in the kitchen of their current safe house. It isn’t a particularly nice kitchen but it allows him to prepare anything he needs to. Functional, just like me he thinks grimly. Joe and Andy are away for the day meeting Copley and Nile is out for a run. She had a nightmare last night about her family and spent this morning crying on Nicky’s shoulder about her mother. About how she just wants to go home, about how the house always smelt of her mother’s cooking. About the little rituals and routines they’d had. 

“You know” 

she sniffled 

“Home- I miss home.”

She’d patted him on the thigh, shaken her head and said 

“I’m gonna run this off.”

Nicky has been in a bit of a mess ever since 

“You know, home.”

But Nicky doesn’t know. He hadn’t had much of a home in his first life and the seminary didn’t count. Joe had had a huge family, a wonderful home in his first life and he missed them. Nicky knew he did but he couldn’t give Joe a home. 

He cannot give Joe a home. 

Joe, Joe who gave him everything and asked for nothing and Nicky can’t even give him a home. 

Nile slams her way through the door and yells 

Hey honey I’m h... well I’m back”

She was going to say home but this isn’t her home- it isn’t anybody’s home. Nicky hears the strangest sound after that. A sort of high pitched whistle- he looks at the kettle but that isn’t on. It is only when he feels Nile take the knife from his hand and whisper 

“Nicky” 

In the gentlest voice he’s ever heard her use that he realises that the noise is coming from him. He throws his hand over his mouth and his eyes widen in horror as a sob tears itself, unbidden, from his mouth. He feels his breathing become erratic, he can’t get enough air into his lungs and he’s going to die right here in this shitty kitchen and Nile is on her own with him and and and

“icky Nicky... look at me please” 

He hears her voice from a long way away and feels like he’s underwater

“Take a deep breath with me and hold it ok”

He does what Nile says because what else can he do. Gradually he feels his breathing come under control but he cannot stop crying. He clutches at Nile, grabs her shirt twisting his fists in and cries like his heart his breaking. 

Nile holds him close, whispering gently to him. He can’t make out the words but she’s stroking his hair and that’s nice. 

Her voice gets louder and he realises in horror that she sounds close to tears

“Joe, Joe I think there’s something wrong with Nicky. He’s a bit calmer but he won’t stop crying”

She ends the call and kisses his head 

“Joe’s coming home right now-“

But Joe isn’t coming home, they don’t have a home, he’s coming to this house. This soulless house and that’s not fair.

He grabs onto Nile even tighter and she starts to cry with him as they wait for Joe. 

Joe barrels through the door some time later and falls to his knees in front of them. 

“Beloved? Oh my darling what is it? Nile what happened?”

Nile says she doesn’t know and goes over their morning which doesn’t give them any clues.

Nicky raises his head, eyes blood shot and in total despair says

“We don’t have a home, we have all these houses but we don’t have a home.”

Joe and Nile look at each other blinking in confusion.

“Nile misses home and so do you and I can’t give you a home. I would give you the world and my soul and my heart but I can’t give you a home”

To Nicky’s surprise Joe laughs. Not nastily, Joe could never be so cruel but a small relieved tinkling laugh. 

“Dearheart, my all- you ARE my home. I could be in the wilderness, without anything but you and I would be home.”

Nicky blinks at him owlishly

Joe gathers him into his arms and sighs happily as he lays his head on Nicky’s shoulder.

“This, this is home” 

Nicky peers at Nile sadly

“But Nile misses home too- and I can’t....”

“Um, in the nicest possible way you got flour on my trousers and tomato sauce all over my shirt so pretty sure I’m home too, but getting one of your hugs would confirm it”

Nicky wraps her into, what she later describes as “the best hug ever” and sobs on her shoulder. But he reassures them that they are happy tears. 

From that moment on Joe and Nile, without ever discussing it further, call anywhere Nicky is ‘home’. 

Months later Andy and Joe bring Booker back to one of their safe houses. Andy and Quynh are collapsed on the sofa just touching each other’s faces smiling and crying. Joe claps Booker on the shoulder then he and Nile go to get the bags out of the car. Nicky is fairly sure they are doing a “happy dance.”

Booker shuffles uneasily from one foot to the other. He and Joe have had their moment this is the first time he’s faced Nicky. 

“Nicky I’m so so sorry” 

Nicky looks at him for a minute then crosses the room to embrace him, he ruffles his hair as Booker weeps on his shoulder and says 

“Welcome home brother, welcome home.”

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this amazing prompt/comment on Tumblr about Nicky being upset that he can’t give Joe a home. This just took root in my head and then this tumbled out in about 20 minutes this morning. 
> 
> Edit- this was the prompt- I didn’t exactly stick to it but it really inspired me. 
> 
> nicky is upset because he realises he can’t give joe a true home, can’t carve out a little place just for them to stay and settle in, because they can never stay somewhere for too long. the pain because he can’t give joe a house filled with love and warmth and memories like his mother made as a kid. joe finding out nicky feels like this, shaking his head with a smile, taking nicky’s face in his hands and saying “habibi, you are my home” just… please i need it


End file.
